Ho Fucking Hum My Ass.

A few things for those that dont know my work. I cant spell. I dont really punctuate. I rarely, if ever have a point. I start nowhere.....i end nowhere.....i go nowhere in between. Tonight I cant sleep. Im sober. Aside from a couple of slips, I have been for a while. By sober , i mean im just drinking, for a while is seven months.Kind of a personal best. To give some perspective, life was suposed to be sex, drugs and rock and roll. That was the plan. That was my road. Ive veered. along that road i found love, friendship,adventure, music, travel, art, spirituality, infinity, morality amd meaning. whoops. I started hard, fast and loose. I grew compasionate, understanding, tolerant, patient,loving, forgiving and sympathetic. None as much as i wish but all enough to put me down the right path. That path ends at humility. I will not arrive in this lifetime.
I have tried to put a thousand lifetimes into this one. Some eggs got broke. If I was not me, I would like to be. I would trade this life for no ones. There has been pain. there has been loss. Of this i am thankful. An easy road is not worth walking. My life is an away game. I dont know what "home" means. I may pine for one....but I dont miss it.You cant miss what you never had.
I thought Id find it in a pair of eyes one day, but ive looked into many,many eyes. Sanctuaray is fleeting......like glory. My roof is my shouldres, my floor is my boots, my bed is the earth, the only walls....are in my head. I will be home when I die.
I will not watch this life happen. I will participate. I will go until there is nothing left of me....and I will then keep going. Someone told me not long ago the they hoped I find what im looking for. I found it long ago....I find it every day. Ive lost so much, Im happy to have had it to loose. Ive lost so many, I was lucky to have known them in the first place.
Regrets....Ive had a few. Dont dwell. dont clutch. Dont fight. Its bigger than you. My advice? Float. Love. Humble is the last lesson you learn....and it finds you, you dont find it. Its not a cookie, its a hammer. You will come to love that pain. There is nothing more life afirming than getting the shit kicked out of you. More so than orgasam ( a close second).we grow when we stretch.
Death. Thats two for flinching. I am writing from a remote outpost in rural Montana. Its beautiful. Many Crow, many Sioux. They understand why I take long walks at night. I hear the coyotes. the mountian loins stalking. I know the bears smell me. My life is beautiful. The world and I are at peace. Hoka Hey. Its not to be so. I could only wish for that good of a death. I will have to earn it. I am not yet worthy of it. My road is long. I have much to do yet. Morbid? Fuck off.
Please hear my words. Live. Love. Do not waste this life. Dont be afrid to suffer.Suffering is strength. It brings wisdom.It is character. Talk to strangers. Have a few one night stands. Take a pill then ask what it does. Go to Alaska. Not on a cruise ship. Make some mistakes. Learn how to do something by doing it the wrong way. Collect some scars. I will see you in the emergency room...or the drunk tank.


I love you all.