Stock Post

WRITTEN BY: REBSTOCK (TOO DUMB TO POST HIS OWN DAMN SELF)

I had considered less than a week ago giving up on my current career for one in Austin selling weed. That seems like a year ago. I briefly thought a few hours ago, I was moving to Latvia (probably to do the same) but it looks like I may stick it out hold on. “Cookie?”
“That’s a cracker” “cracker?” “ Yes a Ritz cracker, it’s written on the box”
I remove my headphones and the comforting familiar wail of Mark Arm. The kid offering me the “cookie” is Portuguese, he points to the massive molten blob of pink fire on the horizon” is solstice.”Oh cool is all I can muster. Things get distorted on the water, perceptions askew. The moon rises huge, so it didn’t seem that unusual that the sun was so massive tonight. the kid from Portugal and I speak for a while, he humors my broken kitchen Mexican and helps me limp through our conversation then asks me what they all ask me when they have a free night in Houston, where is hard rock café? I tell him I don’t know and give him directions to jimmies icehouse, in the heights, ask for Buzz I tell him. I walk inside to be confronted by my hair doppelganger from” Myanmar?” (What I don’t know could fill a book). It’s got to be a country; they’ve got passports and everything. I saw this guys head from the deck of our small boat before he was brought down in the basket. British / Japanese rockstar hair. Cool he let me take a picture to show whoever cuts mine next. It is what I believe Bowie is alluding to in the song Ziggy Stardust” screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo, like some cat from Japan”, and ive achieved it, if I can only keep it. Florence Henderson had it for a while, Wayne Gretzky, Jeff beck has had it forever and so has his twin Nigel Tufnell, and of course some of the cooler Frankenstein’s. The mynmarian holds up his phone he wants a picture of my doo. Fine. Im just a big enough ham to enjoy a picture of me circulating in weird circles in some foreign country ive never even heard of. I take the picture and settle down to right next to an Indian named Dashit.Im not kidding. One name, like Sting or Oprah. DashitI filled out the passenger log it made me cringe not because it was funny, I am above making fun of someone’s name but because the rednecks that fill this industry will have a field day with this and ill have to listen to it. .
Let me go back.
The Latvian. On the way out here a kid from Latvia and I had a long conversation in witch we traded stories, mine were better. But his weren’t without their charm. He made Latvia sound wonderful. I told him about the chick who liked to wear a dog collar and get walked around her condo. He told me of the warmth of the Latvian people. I told him about the woman that made me throw her in the tub and pee on her( something I wasn’t really into, but she was hot),and slipped and knocked herself out, got a mild concussion and made me scared I would be an episode if CSI.. He spoke of Latvian art and music, I told him about the time I was telling the story of a friend of mines dad who, in college knew a girl that could lean forward in a three point stance like a center and pee over a car, some drunk chick heard me telling the story and tried it, unsuccessfully, then peed in someone’s open window and passed out on her face. He told me about Latvian women, I was enthralled. He actually had me convinced that I should jump ship and go to Latvia with him. I said I’ve only got 1500$ cash, he said it will go a long way. I told him I have no passport. He laughed and said”goto consulate, your American. I said I’m a felon, he said”no, your American felon.” It was pretty convincing. I asked” what would I say? ".He said you were drinking on boat, you woke up, he held up his hands and looked around, Latvia!
Actually anyone with access to my record would have to believe it, im pretty surprised it hasn’t happened yet. How many times have I woken up, I held my hands up and looked around, Mexico! About this time I hear a familiar sound. The pronounced peristalsis and the thick wet splash of Greeks throwing up. It looks like a combination of cream of wheat and watermelon. I passed out placentas de infirma but these guys were obviously in too big a hurry to use them. I will stop here and just say the urge to bail on my life and start a new one in Latvia was pretty strong. I keep telling myself that im getting closer and closer to a captains license. That with every broken bone, every floor covered in hurl, I am getting closer, but some times it doesn’t help.5 days ago I dislocated my elbow, I think I have a broken thumb I breathe diesel fumes so thick I cant see the wheelhouse from the deck for hours at a time. I can’t tell anyone when I get hurt or they would pull me off the boat, no pay. It’s an investment in my future, if I have one. I seem to bitch about this a lot. Fuck you it’s my blog. They treat me like a dog, work me like a mule and ride me like the only whore in town. They can break my back, but the wont break my will. Does it smell weird to you? Is that vomit or is the dude next to me Dashit? Sorry I couldn’t resist if anyone else here makes fun of him, I will replace their Larry the Cable Guy vehicle movies with Big Black cds. Where was I? Oh yea, Moving to Austin to sell weed. Or maybe Australia.