I hope you choke on it.

Subject: I hope you choke on it.

WARNING: The following piece is very disturbing and extremly funny. It will most likley cause you to hate me.Im fine with that. This story is true.It happened. To me. I am telling it not to brag.Christ who would? I know its fucked up. But funny is funny and I wont be comprimised at this point by good taste, good judgement or even shame.Also ,it starts like a Penthouse letter, but trust me, it doesn’t end that way. Your comentary is apprecieated as always. If you wish to keep your annonimty, e-mail your comments to me directly and I will post them that way. Thank You,
REBSTOCK volitious@http://www.facebook.com/l/;gmail.com


In the last piece I wrote for Blind Butcher, I had a lot to say about nothing.I went on about the nature of sanity, Fillepinos, forklift physics, Black Sabbath and how much I hate Jhon Cramer.When I submitted “ Soy Hombre” It was a mess. No real puncuation. No paragraphs, no caps, no spellcheck. There were only commas, lots of strategic, extremely, well, placed, commas. It was in fact, ONELONGMISPELLEDFUCKINGWORD. Because, that’s how I roll.Cramer meticulosly edited my copy for consumption. Sadly he could do nothing for the content. Elegance was never my forte. I never asked him to do it, he never asked if he could. He just did what needed to be done with peak effency and total disceretion.He made the inarticulate digestable, he polished the turd.
As I write this it occures to me that I have not seen John in over ten years since I worked at Emos and the Project Grimm would play there. We have spoken only once, on the phone , a week ago, briefly.Familarly is not a requisite here. Polite, is just a word. He and I have a tacit understanding I cannot define, nor have I inclination to try. John knows nothing of my life and I know no more about his. We don’t even know each others childrens names. But I trust him, completely and implicitly.He has earned that trust on a battlefeild that does not exist in space or time. Jhon Cramer, this ones for you.
Amber was a short blonde with huge fake tits. She was a sweet girl and had only been stripping a few months.I met her the first time at Expose in Austin on south congress while out “dining” with Jasper.He knew pretty much everyone there but her( Jasper knows pretty much everyone everywhere). Amber and I had a lot in common. We both loved her Boobs, Jagermister and cocaine. We both also thought it would be a great idea to talk her roomate Tanya into a three way. We became fast friends.
One wendsday nifht ,I got the call. I was helping claen up the Austin club on 8th st after a wedding reception I had bartended(beer and wine only(I chose wine(a nice Merlot))).I was exhausted when the phone rang. The LCD screen read Amber. I get my second wind. I awnser and hear loud tittybar musicWith Amber talking wildly to someone. I say nothing. Eventuall it registers with her that the phone is no longer ringing. She says “hello?” now I have her attention.”Hi” “Im at work, come pick me up”” ok but first I have to” “My roomate bought a video camera” “Ill be right there” I hung up the phone , pounded my Merlot and ran to my car.
Police don’t write tickets for driving like I did, they just call it “public endangerment” and put you under the jail.As I pulled my flat black , Crown Victoria Police Interceptor up to the door a bouncer was bringing her out. As she spilled into the car he looked atr me and said “have Fun” I said “we Will’. She crawled across the seat and attached herself to me.She was wasted. She was half naked . She was happy to see me.Excellent. Often a man looks back on past relationships. The wemon that wrer his intelectual equal.The ones that could share deep meaningfull thoughts. The ones that understood him. This was not one of those times.We got to her apartment and Tanya throws open the door with a drunk chick yell. She has a small camera and is filming all of our feet in broad sweeps. This is the greatest night of my life.We got drunk. We did blow. We had drunken three way sex.We filmed it. Now it gets weird
It becomes a sorce of contention between them, that Tanya likes it in the butt, and Amber does not. While Tanya is trying to to convince her to do it , she has a great idea,(probably her first ever). Actually I have to give her credit , it was fucking genuis. Amber hikes her ass up in the air and we dump a half gram on her butthole, I give it a minute to get numb, and then snort it off.
Lets go over this again,
I did blow......... off a strippers butthole.
My mother is very proud.
Tanya and I run a few specs Tests. And were off to the races. After a few munites Tanya is calling for a moneyshot, I am trying not to gag from a massive drain. I concentrete and soon am ready to ablige.
OK
What happened next, could not be planned.
It could not be orchastrated.
And it is the absoulte truth.
The next three seconds of this tale are amazing. Individually they are perhaps the strangest three seconds of my life.That the seconds were back to back is phonominal. That there was a camera there, was just dumb luck.
I pull out. (Start the three second clock now). Iam looking down and there is unchewed corn on my dick. For the first time in my life , I am speechless. I look up at tanya and her eyes are wide in horrer.She exhales sharply and a glob of snot blasts out of her right nostril onto her right boob. As good of a reaction as any I guess. Amber looks back over her left shoulder sensing our silence and I trigger and come in her left eye.
You can stop the clock now.
It finally happened,
A perfect moment.
Now I can die.
Amber screams , gets up and clmusily runs to the bathroom but her left eye is squinted thght and she has no depth perception(she is also very drunk). She almost makes it through the bathroom door. Slam! Now she is layed out in front of the bathroom holding her face and kicking her heels. My mind is officially blown.
We get her to one of the sinks in the bathroom and turn on the water. Both girls are now crying. I am just dumbfounded.I hoist my package into the other sink (balls and all) and begin scrubbing. I am attempting to process what has happened when it hits me, that’s all on film. I shouldn’t have done it, It was insensitive, buy sometimes you just cant help yourself, I started laughing, and I could, not,fucking, stop.
“Its not funny asshole!” Amber yells. I think to myself, Oh the fuck it wasn’t. I say, “ I know , im sorry”. They have gone from crying to pissed off. “stop laughing at me!”Now im the one that’s crying,”I cant”. I am on my knees. As I am being thrown out with my clothes in my hands, It didn’t occur to me to steal the tape. Coppola, Scorsae, Kubrick,Rebstock. Danm !I know theres something I could have said, something sweet and sympathetic, somethingappoligetic and humble to keep me from fucking off the best booty call I would ever have, but all I could come up with was “ you know your supposed to chew each bite twenty times before swallowing!) The front door slams.There I was naked in public and very, very amused. It must be wendsday.
REBSTOCK