Scandalous City of L

I could frantically rip my eyes out of their orbits and fling them at a wall. I'd have some enjoyment watching them burst and ooze --sliding down the wall, and plopping on the ground with a romping sound effect --reminiscent of stinky fish flopping about starving from an oxygenated atmosphere; gills collapsing. Suffocate!

Oh wait. If, they are my eyes -- I can't see. So, it's not anything I can't stand to see --that eats at me. My eyes are not at fault (except for expectations of interpreted form). It's entombment, a restlessness, a helplessness -- a passion uncharted teeming for disclosure. Defiling...

The box is my own. If I could wrap it up or put it in an envelope, who would I send it to? I guess it's self-addressed. The answer is in this note yet it is wrapped over and over and over -- unraveling will take a million enternities. It feels like a personal rescue is no-longer stepping on grass. "Dying is easy -- living is hard"-- challenge accepted, thank you very much.

Online Social Networking and Human Decline

(I posted this on my tumblr blog, but not too many people see it, so I thought I would post it here as well. If you have a short attention span and think that this seems like a lot to read, simply skip to Part 2. I wouldn't want you to miss even a second of Jersey Shore.)

Part 1: My Technological History

While I am not old, I am not quite young anymore. Being now at the cusp of thirty, I was born at the perfect time to see an unbelievable advance in technologies while simultaneously advancing my intellect and perception of the world. I am not so young as to take those advances for granted, but not so old that the use of them is beyond my grasp. When I was around four or five years old, I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world when I got my 8-bit Nintendo system, and I spent countless hours playing Mario/Duck Hunt, Pro Wresting, Contra, and Mike Tyson's Punch Out, among others. I still remember the cheat codes to the latter two. However, video games always took a back seat to the prospect of going outside and playing with my friends. As fun as the games were, they never could quite replace the human experience. This blog is about just that.

As I got older, and my friends and I started learning about the world, inevitable disagreements would come up. If we really wanted to settle it, we would have to ride to the library to look up the correct answer to our particular impasse. One hundred percent of the time, we opted to just forget about it and keep playing, which is perfectly fine for a kid.

America Online came out during my adolescence. For something like two dollars per hour, one could get “online” and “chat” with random people in “chat rooms.” Then there was email. The thought of hearing the words “you've got mail” filled me with excitement. It's funny to think about this today, when we all probably have hundreds of items in our online junk mail boxes, yet it's probably something noteworthy when someone mails you a written letter. I probably had a better appreciation of the internet than my friends did because we could not afford it, and for the longest time, did not have a computer, so I'd get online at their houses. Still, hanging out with my friends was always preferable to typing to someone on a computer.

I believe I was a senior in high school when I got my first computer – a junked out hand-me-down from (I think it was) my uncle. It took about 10 minutes to load up, would do things at a snail's pace, had an outdated windows program, and had a whopping 400 megabytes of hard drive space. As a point of reference, that was three computers ago, and I still have my third one on hand, though it is far too slow to use anymore. I believe it was 2002 when, in response to a question someone was asked about how they spend their time, “hang out on myspace” was one a part of their answer. As I was getting more used to the internet and had a full time job at a fast food place, I decided to have my friend build me a computer. Once I figured out how to connect my computer to the internet through the phone lines (much to the annoyance of my grandparents), I checked out this myspace thing I heard about. As pretty much everyone knows, it most certainly is a place where people can go online and hang out. It's pretty much an internet version of you: an advertisement of your pictures, interests, and everything you're about. Back then, much like AOL before it, it was not taboo to meet people online. To this day, I have three friends who I met online. As most people were not too internet savvy, linking to other sites and videos was not so easy, so people rarely did so. Mostly, you would just write letters back and forth, or if they lived too far away, you avoided long distance phone charges (cell phones were not so great back then either, as most of you remember) and simply chatted on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger). Through the years, I used the internet more and more, but I was not as drawn to my computer as much as I am these days. Again, the internet was not what it is today, or if it was, I still did not know how to use it.

In my perception, the social networking craze, along with facebook, really took over people's lives over the last four years or so (I do realize that is has been around longer than that, but it used to only be for college students, and I was not one at the time). These days, we are constantly bombarded with information on anything and everything. It's really easy to send links to friends on other sites. Facebook ingeniously figured out a way for people to share information with countless people all at once via the news feed. Depending on the number of friends you have, you can likely see a new post every single minute of the day. No matter how trivial, there's always something new to see. It's also really great because it's really easy to keep up with the day to day lives of those we might not otherwise see, such as friends and loved ones who live great distances away. Also, instead of trying to email a couple of pictures at a time, we can upload a seemingly infinite number of them and share with people via said news feed or by simply “tagging” them, which is quite convenient. On the flip side, social networking sites make us less likely to spend time around people we would otherwise see on a fairly regular basis. Here's where the bad starts.

Part 2: Losing Ourselves

At best, sites like that and the immediacy of the internet can be wonderful tools for keeping in touch, finding out about subjects of interest, and learning. At worst, and that's where we're headed, it can actually get in the way of life and make us lose the ability to actually live.

Thanks to the internet, there is an unimaginable amount of information at our fingertips. In mere seconds, I can find out the important dates on World War II, look up what the number one song was during the week of my birth, you name it. In a sense though, we have no need to actually know anything anymore because we can just look it up, use the information to our ends, and forget about it all over again. A lot of people I know feel validated in arguing points that they looked up but don't necessarily know. Living under the assumption that you're smart because you can look things up online is the equivalent to thinking you can beat everyone up because you carry a gun.

People spend so much less time with other people these days that actual social interaction is an event in itself. When people go out, they frequently take their cameras (or cell phones with cameras) and post about every little thing they do. Much more often, people opt to sit at home and socialize through their computers. It's not entirely bad, because some of my friends will post news articles of interest that I might not have otherwise seen, but more often than not, we get to see what people are doing on farmville type games (until we learn how to block that crap), get subjected to countless internet memes (though I have to admit that some of them are funny), or read about how they're stuck in traffic or buying a new pair of shoes.

We are forgetting how to communicate with each other without a computer or phone as the go between. Even with phones, people rarely talk on them anymore, but instead choose to send text messages back and forth. Quite often, I hear the excuse that texting is more to the point, freeing us from having to make small talk or hearing about non-essentials. I find that to be insulting. In essence, they are saying “I want to be connected with you, but I don't want to deal with you.” By being constantly connected to those we know by way of technology, it has become next to impossible to make connections with new people by chance. People are so wrapped up in their connections, that much of the time their attention is not even on the task or place at hand. Think about how many times you've been in a public place and seen countless people either engaged on phone conversations or texting, often times even when they're in a situation in which they need to talk to the person in front of them or, you know, drive their fucking car. Years of retail work have made me altogether dismiss a person as not worth knowing if they stay on their phone while being checked out in a line. If it's an important phone call, then they should not be shopping, and if it's not, they imply that the checkout person is beneath them and not worth respecting. I rarely use my phone in public, and I never use my phone when dealing with people in real life. Which brings up another point. On those rare occasions that people actually agree on a time and place to meet, many never fully participate in those experiences; they check status updates, see what others are up to, send and respond to texts, and altogether cheapen the experience in which they are halfheartedly engaged. We have become addicted to instant gratification and no longer have the attention spans to participate in idealistic, enriching conversations. This is not the case with everyone, but I am finding fewer and fewer exceptions as time goes on.

Spontaneity is all but dead anymore. Think of the last time you called someone at random and asked them to do something. If, in fact, you did something like that, how often were you turned down for a reason that you considered to be something of a cop-out? “Who all is going?” “Did you make an event?” “I'd better not; I stayed up late last night.” Social networking sites perpetuate hermitic tendencies. We have become little lab rats, self-deprived and scared of stimuli, shocked to the core if someone tries to take us out of our routines and comfort zones, and as a result, we will lose the ability to really live. I remember a Simpsons episode where Marge was trying to get the kids to do yard work, a request they refused. When taken to something like an arcade (it has been a long time since I have seen it), they were excited at the prospect of playing the yard work simulator video game. That is a perfect metaphor for what our lives are becoming. We are living through technology instead of through direct experience, and we are becoming less human on account of it. We are at risk of losing the very humanity to which we are so desperate to stay connected.

My challenge to you, dear reader, is to not spend so much time on the internet (yes, I realize that this blog is posted there) and spend more time in the presence of the people you know, and not just at some pre-planned party or night club. Go to a museum with someone, engage in philosophical discussion, start a book group, join a band, whatever, but don't let the internet be your means of communicating with the world around you. Certainly keep your hobbies and your needs for alone time met, but try to find a good balance between the extremes of being an empty socialite and a shut-in. A profile will never laugh with you, a skype conversation can never hug you, and no matter how personal a status update, it is a cold, removed fact to the reader. Go out and live while you still have a chance.

Somewhere like "fat ol' pussy cat" in the mirror

Wow. I heard the pop! It was loud. I am in a state of shock. I almost drowned - sinking pretty low the last few days. I starved my spirit with discordant emotions. I was suffocating myself. Yep, sado-masochism in effect. Inhale. Exhale. Searching to complete a circle with incomplete circles.

Is this what’s is like to be a woman who hasn’t been alone for over 10 years? New-found freedom is not easy to adjust to. I’m a raving fire of emotions. Instead of putting out the fire I chunked in the pig fat like spare change! Dreams to remember. "Keep the Fire Going" So, "Play with Fire and You’ll get Burnt" Ahhh...eat it, ya fat ol’ pussy cat! Who the fuck cares?!

Falling was fun and hitting the ground broke my bones. So what?!? Reptilian-made, I’m on to the next one; one being either stepping into another pattern or moving away from them. Only time will tell.

The blood of the ancient ones (the elicit desire to reminisce Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles)...runs through my veins like the rivers runs through the Earth and the Earth is my temple and the temple is my life.

So deep...I could taste fish poop at the bottom of the ocean. That’s when the Universe gave me fins. I had to swim out of all the eff’n shit that piled up. I thought I was going to die. I thought I’d never see the light. The loop was fashioned tightly around my neck and my sight slowly faded to white as my body began to go limp and I watched in the mirror. The fuckin' mirror showed me my life.

I hit rock-bottom!! Rock-bottom is synonymous with shit-head, ass, idiot, loser, or any other maladjusted belief one administers like a "jagged-little pill". I swallowed but one can always return if they choose.

I’m not chasing after Peter Pan. I want a man. No, I want a woman. I want this woman to survive all the stories that make up her life. All the misconceptions that contribute to slowly dying. Master your mind and you master your fate!

That’s it! My mirror is my best friend. She’ll smile when I smile. She’ll frown when I frown. If I want her to be happy, I have to be happy. If I want her to cry, I’ll cry. She shows me who I really am in all the beauty of imperfection that I am.

Ho Fucking Hum My Ass.

A few things for those that dont know my work. I cant spell. I dont really punctuate. I rarely, if ever have a point. I start nowhere.....i end nowhere.....i go nowhere in between. Tonight I cant sleep. Im sober. Aside from a couple of slips, I have been for a while. By sober , i mean im just drinking, for a while is seven months.Kind of a personal best. To give some perspective, life was suposed to be sex, drugs and rock and roll. That was the plan. That was my road. Ive veered. along that road i found love, friendship,adventure, music, travel, art, spirituality, infinity, morality amd meaning. whoops. I started hard, fast and loose. I grew compasionate, understanding, tolerant, patient,loving, forgiving and sympathetic. None as much as i wish but all enough to put me down the right path. That path ends at humility. I will not arrive in this lifetime.
I have tried to put a thousand lifetimes into this one. Some eggs got broke. If I was not me, I would like to be. I would trade this life for no ones. There has been pain. there has been loss. Of this i am thankful. An easy road is not worth walking. My life is an away game. I dont know what "home" means. I may pine for one....but I dont miss it.You cant miss what you never had.
I thought Id find it in a pair of eyes one day, but ive looked into many,many eyes. Sanctuaray is fleeting......like glory. My roof is my shouldres, my floor is my boots, my bed is the earth, the only walls....are in my head. I will be home when I die.
I will not watch this life happen. I will participate. I will go until there is nothing left of me....and I will then keep going. Someone told me not long ago the they hoped I find what im looking for. I found it long ago....I find it every day. Ive lost so much, Im happy to have had it to loose. Ive lost so many, I was lucky to have known them in the first place.
Regrets....Ive had a few. Dont dwell. dont clutch. Dont fight. Its bigger than you. My advice? Float. Love. Humble is the last lesson you learn....and it finds you, you dont find it. Its not a cookie, its a hammer. You will come to love that pain. There is nothing more life afirming than getting the shit kicked out of you. More so than orgasam ( a close second).we grow when we stretch.
Death. Thats two for flinching. I am writing from a remote outpost in rural Montana. Its beautiful. Many Crow, many Sioux. They understand why I take long walks at night. I hear the coyotes. the mountian loins stalking. I know the bears smell me. My life is beautiful. The world and I are at peace. Hoka Hey. Its not to be so. I could only wish for that good of a death. I will have to earn it. I am not yet worthy of it. My road is long. I have much to do yet. Morbid? Fuck off.
Please hear my words. Live. Love. Do not waste this life. Dont be afrid to suffer.Suffering is strength. It brings wisdom.It is character. Talk to strangers. Have a few one night stands. Take a pill then ask what it does. Go to Alaska. Not on a cruise ship. Make some mistakes. Learn how to do something by doing it the wrong way. Collect some scars. I will see you in the emergency room...or the drunk tank.


I love you all.

The Protomen

I mentioned The Protomen back in 2008, but due to tour complications, a temporary leave of absence from my city and a dislike for festivals, I never got a chance to see them live until recently. While it is no strange occurrence to have a band put out a concept album, it is fairly rare to see a concept band. The Protomen are one such band. Their story is based on the Mega Man video games, but the theme has a much more dystopian feel than that of an 8-bit adventure. Think 1984 meets video games meets rock opera, with synthesizers. They also do really good covers of songs from the 70's and 80's; a particularly good one is “No Easy Way Out” from Rocky IV. You know, where Ivan Drago kills Apollo in the ring, and Rocky tries to deal with it by driving his Ferrari really fast – that song. The Protomen are a good mix of theatrics and musical skill.

They performed at a place called Super Happy Fun Land, which is quite an interesting place. Before seeing Protomen, I had never been to that particular venue. I have heard it described as sort of a hippie commune that caters to the strange - a fairly accurate summation. Instead of a marquee, they simply spray paint the band dates on the outside of the building, and when it fills, they paint over it and start again. The walls of the inside had many paintings and graffiti art, some of which reminded me of The Gorillaz cartoon art. The back of the one large room had what appeared to be antiquated theater seating, and the sides had numerous chairs and couches, all covered with many blankets and afghans. The rest of the place consisted of many stuffed animals, antique toys, and various nick-nacks. To add to the bizarre nature of the place, they had a donation only “bar,” which was simply a fridge filled with beer, and run by a girl who was described to me as “mentally checked out.” She wore large head phones that played no music, and she seemed to only mouth words instead of actually speaking them. It is the best representation of a post apocalyptic hideout I have ever seen. No air conditioning either, which sort of added to the atmosphere of the place.

The opening acts consisted of a band called Urizen, which I can only describe as Gwar meets video game music. The finale of their set consisted of a robot fighting a one eyed monster. Their set had a lot of references that I did not get, but I was only a passive gamer; I never got involved in the culture of it. After them, there was a band, if you can call it that, by the name of Okeydokey – I don't know this for certain; the tour info had this name. There is apparently a way you can modify a gameboy to where you can alter music with it, and that was pretty much the act. To be honest, I don't like laptop (or even gameboy) Djs, so I went outside for his set. In my mind, one person does not a band make.

When The Protomen finally went on, the crowd went nuts. All of the band members were in costume; some in face paint, others in helmets. To be honest, the sound could have been better, but it's better than I expected from the place. The band more than made up for the venue's deficiencies with their delivery. The crowd was pretty interesting and diverse. From nerds to kids to the hardcore, The Protomen seem to have a far reaching appeal. One such hardcore gentleman took off his shirt as soon as the band went on, donning many a tattoo, two of which were angel wings, one of which read “sinner” and the other “saint.” If ever the mosh pit was not rowdy enough, he would kick it up a notch. Another young lady, who was probably about a week over 21, could not handle her alcohol. After the very first song, her beer decided that it did not agree with her, and she threw up on one of my friend's shoe, and the other's arm. After a short trip to the restroom and a follow-up trip to the bar, she was back at it. Ah, to be young again. Everything about the show was great, save one band member. He was wearing a Freddy Mercury looking suit, except instead of being checkered, it was half black, half white. I didn't particularly enjoy the songs he sang (they have three or four singers, depending on the song), and he was not very fan friendly. After his first song, he started shoving audience members (part of the performance?) on his way to the restroom perhaps. To get back to the stage, he did the same thing over again. He wasn't simply making his way through; he was shoving people. I saw it coming, so when he pushed me twice, it didn't bother me much. One audience member, a friend of mine, didn't take too kindly to being shoved around, so he shoved back. The result was a couple of fuck yous tossed back and forth. A struggling band should not shove its fans. Seems like a no brainer. However, one jerk out of ten band members is to be expected. During the show, shoes, balloons, glasses, stuffed animals, and people were flying and floating around the place. Audience participation can make or break a show, and these fans were really into it. The band even remarked about just how energetic and crazy the fans were. All in all, it was a really good and interesting show, perhaps in my top ten of all time, and I look forward to seeing The Protomen again in the future, or seeing the future Protomen in the present. Something like that.

If you'd like to follow up on this entry, here are some links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGvqMXYhYhU

http://www.protomen.com/

Independence Dei

Good morning, to you this morning rings aloud.

Neglect betrays your desire. On the ashes of innocence is born the child of survival. And in the earth lies the decayed history of our heart.

Can you hear its song?

And Lie at the Foot of Desire